If you're reading this blog right now, I am sure you have realized that this is quickly becoming a landfill for all my emotional waste that must be dumped. I'm not trying to make anyone cry except myself. I'm trying to get to the Ariana Grande point of having no tears left to cry... I'm not there yet but a couple more deep reflections on the end of the school year should do it! I wrote before that I wanted to leave Turner with "No Regerts", especially regarding the relationships I've built over the years. I feel like I was pretty successful over the last week of school and I got to give a lot of final hugs, take lots of pictures, and sign lots of yearbooks (see gallery below). I had an awesome time playing kickball this year and my hand was literally in pain by the end of Thursday from the marathon session of yearbook signing. I made it through my awards, two video tributes, and numerous conversations and goodbyes with one small welling of tears in my eyes being the only outward evidence of the emotional storm inside. On Friday I sat in the student section of the auditorium on purpose, because I've realized over the years that I feel like I belong there much more than standing in the back with other adults. I even sat next to Morgen not realizing she would be gone at softball a good chunk of the afternoon... a sure sign I wasn't going to miss out on talking to ANYONE! I played soccer with "Da Boys", I sat in a circle of 7th grade girls and heard ALL the social drama of the day, then a few boys joined and I somehow ended up demolishing an ant that had the misfortune of crawling on my leg and telling them what my favorite book was. (Actually, that sounds like a completely normal day teaching middle school). We caught the end of that song from the Fast and the Furious on our way back inside and we did Fortnite dances to it instead of getting all sad and mopey. I got to sign a boatload of yearbooks that I didn't get to on Thursday. My phone is loaded up with a ton of pictures out in the circle drive (again, see gallery below). I ended the day missing 4 or 5 pairs of sunglasses, and I'm totally OK with it. #NoRegerts! Really? No Regerts?Ok, so the last week of school was too short to have absolutely NO Regerts. Here is a list of things I could do over: 1. Katie and Rebecca Schildgen, I saw you at lunch Friday, had a couple minutes to chat, should have gotten a photo with one of my all time favorite sibling duos! 2. Cam Boudreaux, I should have made sure you knew I was leaving before the last couple days 3. Rest of the freshman boys... where were you? Nah, half of you live in my neighborhood and the other half practically lives in my neighborhood. I'll see you around. 4. Completely forgetting to bring a legit prize for the #classcomp champions... WHOOPS! 5. Jaelyn Rudolph... where have you been? Forget the last week, I haven't seen you in forever! On top of this, there is the crushing weight of Regret for how I approached much of the middle of the year. Teachers get burned out by testing too guys. It's a thing. It happens. And this year, I think all the meetings about how to change lessons and give interventions to students and implement this and that and the other thing to raise iReady scores was getting to me more than I realized. I was flat out grumpy in the winter, and it took Mrs. Dudgeon (bless her heart) talking about how she is pushing all that aside and focusing on teaching kids as HUMAN BEINGS to snap me back to reality a bit by early March. If you want one massive regret, it's that I got away from my bread and butter as a teacher for a few months and I didn't even realize it. I was going through the motions, trying to not be annoyed, lacking much inspiration for any innovative lesson ideas. You all deserved better, and that's my biggest regret of the year. But like I said, for the most part I feel like I went out the way I wanted, and I have an entire gallery of photos to prove it (which in case you haven't realized yet, you can see below). I can leave Turner happy overall. So... you're over it now?Well, NO! I made it through my awards, two video tributes, and numerous conversations and goodbyes with one small welling of tears in my eyes being the only outward evidence of the emotional storm inside. Then 3:15 hit, kids found their buses, and the sidewalk became emptier and emptier. The pit in my stomach became more and more apparent and I could feel some strain in my eyes. Nadilee asked a pretty innocent question along the lines of "Will you miss us?" or something... a straightforward question with a straightforward answer. But saying "Of course I'll miss you" out loud while looking around at the nearly empty circle drive brought on a few of those darned tears. That started a chain reaction, including Kacy, who I was sure had reached the Ariana Grande point by then, but apparently I was mistaken. When the last buses were loaded and headed out, I walked into the building with my wonderful wife and children that had come to pick me up. We made our way to Room 17 and basically everything I predicted from the last blog post happened. I looked around and tried to figure out if there was anything I needed to pack, and realizing the desks were all empty for good, all I could do was sit at my desk and let it all out. Correction, not ALL of it was let out. Like I said, I am not over it. Friday night brought more tears reading letters from students telling me it's "Not a goodbye but just a see ya later". I couldn't handle being alone with my thoughts on Saturday morning for an hour and a half with the droning of a Honda pushmower, or when Leah asked if I would miss "my friends" at school Monday since I still had to go. It brought a tear to my eye standing on the beach in Lake Mills only a few minutes from starting a triathlon and hearing "Home" by Phillip Phillips. It brought tears to my eyes sitting at a stoplight in Madison on Sunday hearing Leah talk about how she will miss her friends from Powers and likes our green house. Reading The Berenstain Bears: Moving Day to the kids has been a bit tough. And it definitely got em flowing writing this. Truthfully I don't know if I'll EVER completely get over leaving Turner. Being happy leaving Turner and having no regrets about how I leave Turner should not be confused with me being OVER IT. Turner has such a big place in my heart and that isn't going to go away just because I move schools. I hope to continue many of the wonderful relationships I've built, and as many of you pointed out, Turner will still be home and I will still be part of the Turner family forever. Many of the 8th grade letters I received from Transitions classes made that VERY clear and I don't think the kids that wrote those words know how much that truly means to me. And that is one of the many things I can smile about through this all, because seriously, how lucky am I to have been to be part of that family the last 7 years? The Class of 2021 Squad gave me a binder full of letters they wrote, and on the cover it says "How Lucky Am I To Have Something That Makes Saying Goodbye So Hard". They gave it to me during a surprise party they threw on Wednesday morning. I couldn't bring myself to even open it until Friday night. I saved it, because I figured I'd break down immediately as I read anything they wrote, and then if I had to face them at school again on Thursday or Friday it would all come back. For the most part though, I was wrong. Sure, there were tears. Some big ones at times. Like when one of them reminded me how I had told them just one year earlier that the middle school and high school were physically attached and they had no reason to be sad on the last day of 8th grade, which made me feel like a huge liar. However, I found myself laughing several times, swelling with pride and feeling some positive closure on my Turner years. They shared some great memories and left me happy overall. Many of those same kids were nothing but smiles and every day small talk on Friday at school. Especially those that showed quite a bit of sadness and emotion when I first said I was leaving. That makes me realize that it's OK for me to sit in my basement bawling while blogging (hey, that sounds like a great new possibility as a title for this blog if I decide to ONLY do sappy emotional ones... "Bawling while Blogging"... I like it). It's OK to let it out in big chunks and reflect back on it all and write about all my experiences, because (in theory) I will get through the sad phase more quickly and move on to thinking about all the good things and smiling. I went through the sad phase with the Freshman Squad back in early May when I first told people I was leaving. By last week we were in my room eating a giant cookie talking about trying to track down a pair of pajamas used on the set of Girl Meets World. Again, don't confuse that with being "over it", but it allowed for lots of laughs and happy memories rather than tears and sadness. I think the same can be said about the pile of 8th grade Transitions letters I got from my mailbox Monday morning back at school. I read them all Monday night thinking it might be another cathartic exercise to read them all at once and perhaps push some more of those stubborn tears out. Turns out, I was smiling and chuckling the whole time! There were the serious pieces like the reminders that Turner would always be home, but there were also memories of flicking scissors around, things that Grind Your Gears, recess football, and making sure I "take an L" if Turner Track ever faces my new school. Perhaps I am getting closer, but I haven't gotten completely through the overall sad phase yet. This is a three day work week at Turner, including the dreaded "classroom workday" Wednesday... AKA, pack away all the memories you're taking with you and leave all the memories behind that the next teacher will need. Whenever Ms. Vickie goes over the PA system and says we are all free to leave and to have a wonderful summer, the place will clear out in 3 minutes. I will probably still be there for a bit. Believe me, there is still quite a bit of sad phase to go and that might be an opportune time to drain the tanks and finally reach Ariana Grande status. I shouldn't feel the need to wear sunglasses through it all and try to cover it up though. I'll be able to get to a point where I can look back and HAPPILY reflect on how lucky I've been this past 7 years that much sooner. I won't necessarily be over it, but I will be excited about the next chapter and smile looking back on the last one. "I love you all... class dismissed" -Mr. Feeny
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AuthorJohn Honish: Archives
June 2021
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