Part three of this series focuses on the events of Thursday 9/21.
19:45 The kids were in bed and Mrs. Honish was at work. Thursday of Homecoming week, the standard night of maximum mayhem, and it was up to me (and the dogs if they were awake) to defend #FortHonish. Blinds open, lights off, and the waiting game ensued. 20:15 A steady stream of high schooler-owned vehicles, easily identifiable by their bad mufflers, was making the rounds in our neighborhood. The same vehicles would come by my street as many as 4 times in a 15 minute span. I had my doubts about Thursday bringing much action, but it was clear that my neighborhood would be crawling with young adults for a couple hours. The question I had no answer to yet was if #FortHonish would be passed over due to leftover TP from previous assaults, or if we would be targeted once again. Preparing for the worst, I slipped around the deck and unspooled the garden hose to achieve maximum defensive range and mobility, then went back inside to continue the waiting game. 20:58 I spotted a car that turned off its headlights as it came down the street toward my corner and slowed down. My heart raced, assuming it was a poor attempt at being stealthy on their approach. However, as the car slowed to as top at the corner, I recognized the Town of Beloit Police Department markings on the door. REINFORCEMENTS! Was this a good thing or a bad thing? Part of me wanted to watch this officer bust a bunch of hooligans, but another, MUCH BIGGER part of me wanted them to feel the wrath of my hose. 21:04 The headlights flashed on and the squad car took off down the street, only to stop two doors down. I peered though the neighbors trees and saw the brake lights firmly on and the squad not moving. After a minute or so, the brakes released and it peeled out of the neighborhood, and a group of girls who had presumably just been assuring a police officer they had no intentions of mischief came strolling down the street... and into my yard. 21:05 I slipped out the sliding door and crouched down on my hands and knees and began slowly making my way to the deck gate and the hose that lay just beyond it. As I crawled, I could hear them unzipping backpacks and making audible plans for their vandalism. I opened the gate as delicately as I have ever done anything in my life and snuck down the steps to the hose... but I had been too conservative before and left the water off. I tried to turn the nozzle as slowly and quietly as possible, but of course it made a squeaking noise. Now fully loaded with H2O, I turned to find the yard empty. I crept around the corner of my front bushes and saw the same girls doing a bad job of hiding in my neighbors pine trees, looking into my yard. A standoff began. 21:15 Most likely bored with my refusal to go inside, the would-be attackers decided to walk down the street in the opposite direction and abandon their plans, at least temporarily. Bored with their lack of aggressiveness and sporting a few new mosquito bites, I pulled the hose back and strung it over the deck railing so it would be ready to go at a moment's notice if I needed it in the future. I took one more look over the railing and saw they had turned the corner and were still retreating, so I headed back inside. 21:37 My phone rang. Mrs. Honish was on the line telling me she was on her way home from work. As we proceeded with the typical small talk, I continued to monitor the situation outside our windows. "Hold on, we've got visitors!" I said as I noticed several more students walking in our direction from two houses down. "Oh perfect, I'll be pulling in the driveway in like 2 minutes" she said. I rushed outside, grabbed the hose and laid behind the cover of our grill in a prone position. I listened for the voices, and heard something unmistakable... Freshmen. 21:44 I was positively giddy. The same girls that agreed with my assessment of the cowardice and dishonor by Allison Hoffman's crew during their refusal to abandon an attack on Tuesday had come for #FortHonish themselves. I kept glancing down the street for Honda CR-V headlights indicating Mrs. Honish's arrival, but as they came into the yard, I hoped she would not make it in time. They sent Sam Wells around our biggest pine tree while the rest remained near the road. Sam was no more than 8 feet from me and completely unaware of my presence. She was about to be drenched... 21:45 CR-V headlights... NO! The girls in the street called her back and began to act casual once they realized who was in the car and which driveway she was pulling in to. I could hear a verbal exchange as Mrs. Honish got out of the car. "It's ya girl, Liv! Say hi to Leah for me!" The garage door closed, but I wasn't abandoning my post because I knew exactly what they would do next... pretend to continue walking down the street, then come right back to attack. 21:46 They came into the front corner of our yard by a much smaller tree... MUCH further from the deck and my hose. My best opportunity had perhaps been squandered, but I was hopeful they would come back to roll the giant pine tree and step right into my line of hydro-fire. Then Mrs. Honish emerged from the sliding door and came up behind me on the deck. Would she call me off for being childish again? "What are you waiting for? They're in our yard!" I love this woman. "I'm hoping they'll come back closer, I would have to run out to them right now and they could bail. Will you feed me the hose as I run?" What was said/not said next will likely be a topic of heated debate for at least a generation. What I swear I heard was "Yeah, I got the hose" so I took off to surprise our intruders. 21:48 Hydrofury spewed forth from my gardenhose and I know I scored hits on at least three different targets. They retreated to the street to try and stay out of range, but I pursued... until I felt like a dog reaching the end of its leash. I turned back to find Mrs. Honish pulling the hose telling me to come back because I was going to ruin her plants by pulling the hose through it with no regard for what was being crushed, or something like that. Another defensive action was halted by what is likely the only true adult in our house. 21:57 I dutifully returned the hose to the side of the house as the Freshmen moved along down the street. I figured they would return later, but wagered the damage would be limited since I heard them talking about how they needed to be picked up at 10:30, plain as day, as they approached the first time. I went inside having done all I could realistically do and claiming at least a moral victory for finally being able to use the hose effectively on someone. #FortHonish came away from the week-long shenanigans bruised but not beaten. Nothing even close to the draping of 2016 occurred. I write this now basking in my semi-success, and hoping for a safe, fun night at the ACTUAL homecoming festivities for all the students (TP-attackers included) tonight.
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Part II of this series focuses on the events of Tuesday 9/19 and Wednesday 9/20. 9/19- 19:57 Mrs. Honish came upstairs and I settled into a spot by the window with my phone to partake in a Twitter chat with fellow Geography teachers. As she told me I was overreacting for sitting in the window, I thought to myself "It's a good thing she doesn't know I already unraveled the garden hose so I have maximum defensive range." The forecast called for thunderstorms Wednesday night so I was prepared to battle TONIGHT. I didn't need to wait long... 20:52 Shadowy figures were spotted darting across my driveway from right to left. I sprang to my feet. "They may take our pine trees, but they will never take... OUR FREEDOM! (or something equally as heroic probably)" I yelled as I burst through the front door. I grabbed the hose which I had coiled in a strategic position and started moving around the side of the garage toward the enemy... but then Mrs. Honish emerged from the doorway. 20:53 "PUT THE HOSE BACK NOW" "Why? They're right around the corner!" "No, this is childish, leave them alone!" "They're asking for it!" It was at that point she started reeling the hose back in toward the house... and a game of tug-of-war ensued. 20:55 I relinquished the hose. Happy wife, happy life as they say. However, I did convince her to let me creep around the side to scare the living daylights out of our attackers. Mrs. Honish turned all the outside lights off and I waited a minute to lull them into a false sense of security, then proceeded to make my way around the garage. As I side-stepped around the pine tree, one of them began walking right towards me, oblivious I was there yet. "YAAAAAAHHHHHHH" I yelled with my hands up in the air. "EEEEEEEEP! Oh my God, Honish, you totally scared me!" ...Allison Hoffman, Sophomore, Class of 2019, was leading a band of the least likely kids to ever TP a house into battle in my yard... for the second consecutive year. "YOU GUYS AGAIN? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING! Get outta here!" I yelled. ...all was silent except their TP in the branches... "OK, fun's over, you got caught red handed" Still no movement, so I picked up a roll of their own ammo and chucked it at Nate Draeving, making it clear I would like them to leave my property... except they didn't. 21:02 (the surrender?) I returned to the front of the house and reported to Mrs. Honish that they were just continuing their assault, despite being outed. "So what? Just let them be," she said. "So that's it? You're waving the white flag? Surrendering #FortHonish?" "Uhh, it's not surrendering because it's not an actual battle... and stop calling it #FortHonish." 21:12 I had returned to the front window, dejected and "defeated" by my own Commanding Officer. I had technically won the battle based on every long-standing unwritten rule of homecoming. If you get caught, you're supposed to bail. That's how the game works. The TP assailants were finished rolling the house, but they had one more metaphorical rubbing of salt in the wound as they strolled down my driveway much too casually, "By Honish... Thank You!" WEDNESDAY 9/20 Since we all but surrendered #FortHonish last night, and since the lighting was coming fast on a night where the temperatures still hovered well above 80 (much too warm for black hoodies and backpacks, right?) I figured it was time to kick back and just watch the season finale of Big Brother. 19:17 Leah had already been put to bed, Jackson was crying in his room not feeling well, and I casually glanced out the window... at fresh TP along our deck and in our front tree. Barely after 7pm and we had been smoked! Maybe it was all going to end early and everyone would return home before the lightning got worse? Or maybe they were calling it an early night before hitting the school Thursday? Whatever the case, at least it was over now and I could just enjoy Big Brother. 19:30 Knock, Knock-Knock-Knock-Knock..... Knock, Knock! Ok, Jackson is still not feeling well and is barely asleep. We've clearly been hit already... and yet, you have the audacity to come right up to the door? It's on now... ... except it wasn't, because whoever knocked turned tail pretty quickly and didn't stay around to partake in any meaningful skirmish. 20:50 A parade of high schoolers came not-so-secretly down the street, announcing their presence to literally anyone within a quarter mile I am sure. This was clearly not a strike force... or at least not one I would have to take seriously, so I mosey'd out onto the deck to watch. Mrs. Honish, out of genuine curiosity at who would honestly make that much noise while carrying TP through a well-patrolled neighborhood during homecoming week made an astute observation. "Wow... quite the pottymouths". Indeed they were, as we heard many expletives mixed in with the stories of who had been hit by flour and how it was LITERALLY insane. 21:27 Thoroughly disappointed with the finale of Big Brother (wow jury... salty at Paul much for getting you all out with no blood on his hands?) and with the lack of legitimate attacks on my house, the lack of permission to defend my house from attack, and the lack of respect for being caught by a bunch of sophomores, my thoughts turned to Thursday night... the last battle. Or would there even be one? My house was already marked, most of their efforts would likely go to coating the trees in front of the school, and what's the use in driving away a group of kids when they don't actually leave when they're busted? Maybe Mrs. Honish is right and maybe #FortHonish should become a thing of the past... or maybe Thursday night will be absolute mayhem... Mrs. Honish warned me of this when we first decided to move a block away from the school, but every year there is a week-long battle that rages in my front yard during homecoming. Last year #FortHonish withstood several small attacks from underclassmen early in the week, only to be completely caked in TP on Thursday night by the Seniors. As I awoke to the carnage in my trees that Friday, I vowed that 2017 would be different. Follow the blog for daily updates... Above: Destruction in the aftermath of a strike by the Class of 2017 Monday 9/18 Monday of Homecoming Week is a mixed bag. Will we be attacked early? Will they hold off? Either way, constant vigilance is the name of the game. At 19:30, the blinds were only partially closed and I remained in the living room... Mya and Max, the not-so-fearsome guard dogs asleep nearby. 20:34- Mrs. Honish pauses Netflix. ¨Do you hear that?¨ she asks. ¨No, what...¨ ¨Footsteps in the street. They´re coming already.¨ I scrambled toward the window, sliding headfirst along the carpet, tucking my head under the curtain and peering outside. ¨You won´t be able to see anything unless we shut the lights off, but they´ll see you,¨ Mrs. Honish pointed out. She flicked the lights off and I remained at the window until approximately 20:41, but spotted nothing. 21:27- Lights out, time to pack it in for bed. I feel confident that night 1 will pass with no attack. If they have not come out by now, I doubt they will. Besides, there is a concerted effort by the Town of Beloit Police Department and the Administration of the school to crack down on shenanigans this year. Perhaps the high schoolers are feeling a bit timid... maybe the light being left on at the football field behind my house is an effective deterrent. Ahhh, a full night of rest so I can prepare for potential future onslaughts. 22:11- Mya growls... the growl turns into a couple small barks. What time is it??? I couldn´t have been asleep longer than half an hour or so by this point but it´s time to scramble. Mrs. Honish is already on her feet, following Mya to the living room. I wait for a report... ¨3 or 4 of ´em were darting through the front corner, but they headed across to the park. I don´t see any TP... we might not have even been the target.¨ I stand watch in the living room for several more minutes, but feel confident enough to return to sleep after a Town of Beloit Squad Car rolls by. I drift to sleep by about 22:35. Tuesday MorningMrs. Honish took the dogs for a walk around the neighborhood and reported very minor TP way off to the side of our yard.
The attack was clearly abandoned in a fit of cowardice, as only a few rogue strands of paper were found. The attackers must have failed to consider the weather as well, with most of the TP that had made it in the branches the night before now plastered to the ground, half disintegrated by a light rain that passed through in the early morning hours #FortHonish sustained very little damage, and we live to fight another night. Our dogs will most certainly be on high alert, and our defenses have yet to truly be tested. Yet, it is only Tuesday... The battle continues... |
AuthorJohn Honish: Archives
June 2021
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