Part three of this series focuses on the events of Thursday 9/21.
19:45 The kids were in bed and Mrs. Honish was at work. Thursday of Homecoming week, the standard night of maximum mayhem, and it was up to me (and the dogs if they were awake) to defend #FortHonish. Blinds open, lights off, and the waiting game ensued. 20:15 A steady stream of high schooler-owned vehicles, easily identifiable by their bad mufflers, was making the rounds in our neighborhood. The same vehicles would come by my street as many as 4 times in a 15 minute span. I had my doubts about Thursday bringing much action, but it was clear that my neighborhood would be crawling with young adults for a couple hours. The question I had no answer to yet was if #FortHonish would be passed over due to leftover TP from previous assaults, or if we would be targeted once again. Preparing for the worst, I slipped around the deck and unspooled the garden hose to achieve maximum defensive range and mobility, then went back inside to continue the waiting game. 20:58 I spotted a car that turned off its headlights as it came down the street toward my corner and slowed down. My heart raced, assuming it was a poor attempt at being stealthy on their approach. However, as the car slowed to as top at the corner, I recognized the Town of Beloit Police Department markings on the door. REINFORCEMENTS! Was this a good thing or a bad thing? Part of me wanted to watch this officer bust a bunch of hooligans, but another, MUCH BIGGER part of me wanted them to feel the wrath of my hose. 21:04 The headlights flashed on and the squad car took off down the street, only to stop two doors down. I peered though the neighbors trees and saw the brake lights firmly on and the squad not moving. After a minute or so, the brakes released and it peeled out of the neighborhood, and a group of girls who had presumably just been assuring a police officer they had no intentions of mischief came strolling down the street... and into my yard. 21:05 I slipped out the sliding door and crouched down on my hands and knees and began slowly making my way to the deck gate and the hose that lay just beyond it. As I crawled, I could hear them unzipping backpacks and making audible plans for their vandalism. I opened the gate as delicately as I have ever done anything in my life and snuck down the steps to the hose... but I had been too conservative before and left the water off. I tried to turn the nozzle as slowly and quietly as possible, but of course it made a squeaking noise. Now fully loaded with H2O, I turned to find the yard empty. I crept around the corner of my front bushes and saw the same girls doing a bad job of hiding in my neighbors pine trees, looking into my yard. A standoff began. 21:15 Most likely bored with my refusal to go inside, the would-be attackers decided to walk down the street in the opposite direction and abandon their plans, at least temporarily. Bored with their lack of aggressiveness and sporting a few new mosquito bites, I pulled the hose back and strung it over the deck railing so it would be ready to go at a moment's notice if I needed it in the future. I took one more look over the railing and saw they had turned the corner and were still retreating, so I headed back inside. 21:37 My phone rang. Mrs. Honish was on the line telling me she was on her way home from work. As we proceeded with the typical small talk, I continued to monitor the situation outside our windows. "Hold on, we've got visitors!" I said as I noticed several more students walking in our direction from two houses down. "Oh perfect, I'll be pulling in the driveway in like 2 minutes" she said. I rushed outside, grabbed the hose and laid behind the cover of our grill in a prone position. I listened for the voices, and heard something unmistakable... Freshmen. 21:44 I was positively giddy. The same girls that agreed with my assessment of the cowardice and dishonor by Allison Hoffman's crew during their refusal to abandon an attack on Tuesday had come for #FortHonish themselves. I kept glancing down the street for Honda CR-V headlights indicating Mrs. Honish's arrival, but as they came into the yard, I hoped she would not make it in time. They sent Sam Wells around our biggest pine tree while the rest remained near the road. Sam was no more than 8 feet from me and completely unaware of my presence. She was about to be drenched... 21:45 CR-V headlights... NO! The girls in the street called her back and began to act casual once they realized who was in the car and which driveway she was pulling in to. I could hear a verbal exchange as Mrs. Honish got out of the car. "It's ya girl, Liv! Say hi to Leah for me!" The garage door closed, but I wasn't abandoning my post because I knew exactly what they would do next... pretend to continue walking down the street, then come right back to attack. 21:46 They came into the front corner of our yard by a much smaller tree... MUCH further from the deck and my hose. My best opportunity had perhaps been squandered, but I was hopeful they would come back to roll the giant pine tree and step right into my line of hydro-fire. Then Mrs. Honish emerged from the sliding door and came up behind me on the deck. Would she call me off for being childish again? "What are you waiting for? They're in our yard!" I love this woman. "I'm hoping they'll come back closer, I would have to run out to them right now and they could bail. Will you feed me the hose as I run?" What was said/not said next will likely be a topic of heated debate for at least a generation. What I swear I heard was "Yeah, I got the hose" so I took off to surprise our intruders. 21:48 Hydrofury spewed forth from my gardenhose and I know I scored hits on at least three different targets. They retreated to the street to try and stay out of range, but I pursued... until I felt like a dog reaching the end of its leash. I turned back to find Mrs. Honish pulling the hose telling me to come back because I was going to ruin her plants by pulling the hose through it with no regard for what was being crushed, or something like that. Another defensive action was halted by what is likely the only true adult in our house. 21:57 I dutifully returned the hose to the side of the house as the Freshmen moved along down the street. I figured they would return later, but wagered the damage would be limited since I heard them talking about how they needed to be picked up at 10:30, plain as day, as they approached the first time. I went inside having done all I could realistically do and claiming at least a moral victory for finally being able to use the hose effectively on someone. #FortHonish came away from the week-long shenanigans bruised but not beaten. Nothing even close to the draping of 2016 occurred. I write this now basking in my semi-success, and hoping for a safe, fun night at the ACTUAL homecoming festivities for all the students (TP-attackers included) tonight.
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AuthorJohn Honish: Archives
June 2021
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